Working on it Wednesday; Three Wednesdays Late.

I feel like each new year is the same; everyone thinks that the new year and new start will be a shoo-in. I get pulled into this way of thinking along with my friends and family and then, more often than not, it’s a bit disappointing.

After two weeks of stalking my rheumatologist’s office, I finally heard back that there were no answers in my blood tests. It’s hard to keep going like this, with no end in sight. It has felt, for some time now, that I spend my entire life just waiting for the next thing – a move, a baby, a diagnosis. Something. Always something. I’ve heard great things about mindfulness and read a bit about it, but…I’m not sure that I want to be ‘in the moment’ when the moment is painful and one big suck sammich. At least “looking forward” to something feels like a form of hope, but right now I don’t even have that. *sigh* So…in the moment and keeping busy it is!

So this is what I’ve been up to the last month or so…

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My individual, mostly ColourPop, eye shadows have homes! …except for that one off to the side…don’t mind him… *whislting* Momma might have gone a little ham on their sales before Christmas… I ended up with an odd container (far right) without realizing it. (Behold! The joys of shopping with a toddler, right?) It holds more without the additional dividers in it, but they also move around more…hmm. At least they’re not flying around the drawer every time I open it!

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The pot & pan cabinet has been organized! I’d had the white wire rack for a while, but ordered the black one and another set off of Amazon a few weeks ago. We’ve been using it for a few weeks now and, overall, it functions well for us.

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The other baking pan cabinet has also been reordered and a new holder added to the collection. I think I’m going to get rid of one of the four cookie sheets as part of my 21 item purge goal… I have four and one is a different shape than the others and makes life difficult. Otherwise…this also has been functioning well for us!

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And then I picked up a tea container too. I had a ton of teas and the boxes were in various stages of use and Sage had been pulling them out of the drawer that they were in previously and gnawing on the boxes or pulling the tea bags apart. It was easier for me to condense them down and move them out of reach than to keep doing battle with her on the matter.

Underneath it is the new recipe binder I’ve been using for dinners. I just filled a 1″ binder with sheet protectors and have been adding the recipes that we try each week to it. So far, I don’t feel like we’ve had any real fails or home-run hits. I’m hoping that we find some that we want to return to again and again as time progresses. I’ll also be forced to cull the herd every now and again due to limited space in it.

I still have a ton of stuff that I’m working on, including purging things that we don’t use or need and getting on a better cleaning schedule. Staying as busy as possible has kinda helped too. Yay!

Transparency Tuesday: The Camel’s Broken Back

Yup, “tomorrow” apparently means “next week” in my world, but the weather has changed and my joints and body, in general, do not approve. All progress has been slow, but I do hope to have a post for tomorrow… For today though, onward with Transparency Tuesday!

15942473_1823202294587629_1223588917_n At this point, my oldest is 8 years old. She is an endless attention seeker, but she is competent in the usual ways. The problem becomes that she’ll seek attention any way that she can get it. I was recently reading an article about kids who do this and the article gave to different examples: a child that sought negative attention and a child that sought attention via acting “helpless.” Both of these examples had their example parents stressed and at the end of their ropes. The article did not address what to do if your child does both of these…and then some.

Helpless: “Can eat this?”
“Yes.”
10 seconds later: “Can I eat this?”
“OMG! Is it food? Is it in our house? Then yes! Eat it! That’s what it’s there for!!”

Negative attention seeking: See photo on right. After it’s been made well known that both she needs to clean up after herself and that the common areas are not her dumping grounds. To the point where I no longer warn her; when she leaves stuff laying around and I go through and clean? It goes in the trash. I’m too tired, life is too short, and she has too much stuff anyway! This picture was taken about 30 minutes after I cleaned the table (and threw things away) though, which adds a new level of annoyance to it.

I left it sit for hours because…what do you do? Pull her out of her room and make her clean it up, giving her that negative attention? Or clean it up myself and let her dodge the responsibility…again? Wait for her to decide to clean it up? It could be days. She isn’t bothered by messes in the least. It makes me rashy and I don’t understand it. Her dad called and told her she needed to clean it up or there would be consequences from him tomorrow. She cleaned it up and apologized then. Hopefully, it means something if the negative attention isn’t coming from me…?

It has reached the point in the last year or so that we’ve all started to wonder if maybe something wouldn’t fit better if she were living with her dad. It…comes with its own set of challenges and I guess nothing is ever written in stone, but it’s on the table right now. I’m just…at a point where it feels like there’s no “winning” and no “right” answer. Just different versions of losing and different “punishments” for each choice made along the way. Straw by straw, it beats you down after a while.

Transparency Tuesday: Done?

I was forced into a break by The Migraine that Wouldn’t End and then we were on a small vacation/family trip to see my husband’s family over new year’s. Overall, we had a nice holiday break. The girls got everything they could have dreamed of and we, the adults, were spoiled as well. There was tons of good food and lots of laughter. There’s one cousin that I’m not overly fond of and another cousin’s wife that makes me wonder why they’re together because she always seems so unhappy with him ( in fairness, I have seen them one day a year and only these last two years), but even they are civil, which would be unheard of in my bio family. I look up to hubby’s grandma and how well she raised her children. Hubby’s mom refrained from murdering him even though she really wanted to spend more time with our youngest, who chose to be shy the first two of the three days that we were there. All in all, it was good. Even coming back was, initially, nice. We missed our bed. Hubby missed his felines. I was excited just to be able to unpack and begin putting things away.

Monday afternoon we had our 20-week ultrasound and Baby Boy is doing well. The tech explained more than either of us had ever had explained to us before and printed off a ton of photos. ❤ We came home and hubby did some things that I had had on a “honey do” list for almost two months. Life was good…

And then the video games started up again and in full force. It has become a problem. Almost an addiction…perhaps actually one, in some situations. Last night I pointed out that, over the years, he has played many video games and do any of those past games matter in the least now? No. Not at all. So…why is this current game worth almost a month total of his life? (He has played just this one game more than 500 hours; Steam is kind enough to log it for him.) And, seemingly at least, more important than his daughter and myself…and sooner than later, his son, too? He gets rude and ugly with us when he’s playing – especially if things aren’t going as he’d like or one of us needs something from him while he’s playing. To the point where he was getting so upset about the game yesterday and I did something I rarely do – I said something to him about it. (And it wasn’t even the snarky, “You’re a 31-year-old throwing a tantrum…please stahp!” that I was thinking.) “You know you can leave the room, right?” Nevermind that the office in which he plays also houses a great deal of my things as well as his… “I’d have to leave the entire house to not be able to hear you…” “That’s fine.” Really?? At another point, hours later, our 16-month-old went over to him for something. “For fuck’s sake, Sage…”

He likes to point out that I’m not always a peach to be around either. Okay, fair enough. But I’ve been working 12-18 hour “shifts” for the last 2.5 years running. It’s really, really rare that I get a break from the house and kids. …and when I do, it’s often to run errands so…honestly? That’s not much of a “break.” I did a cookie baking party at a friend’s almost a month ago and felt guilty about it because Sean was at home sick with the kids. I went and had my hair done professionally on Christmas Eve day, but was struggling through my migraine the whole time. Before those two things? I don’t even know. I don’t get to go do anything for myself on a regular basis. Worse yet, I usually don’t want to – I have things here at home that I want to get done and would usually rather be doing than going anywhere, but can’t because I always have our 16-month-old using me as a jungle gym or the 8-year-old asking me nonsense questions literally just for the attention. I can’t sew, crochet, or anything like that while Sage is up because she’s constantly. on. me. By the time she’s in bed, I’m too tired to do anything really “productive.” Thus my projects pile up and up and up… But my husband seems to feel that I shouldn’t be frustrated by that…? And when I am, I’m, apparently, a bad person. I don’t know what to do with that. How does one cease being human?? I feel like the key difference is that he gets to leave the house. He is not dealing with both kids all day, every day and yet…he still can’t deal for a few hours. Also? His games do not yield anything fruitful. They’re just games and he’ll, eventually, move on yo a new one and this one will cease to matter, just like the 43,182 before it.

I’m also frustrated that he doesn’t seem to understand that there is a difference between having a backache from work versus whatever has been going on with my muscles and joints these last several years. (We won’t even go into being tired from pregnancy and not being able to sleep through the night related to hormones and sciatica pain. Or that my sleep cycle is seriously messed up and I don’t know how to fix it – most times when I fall asleep, I go directly into dreaming and that isn’t “normal” and disrupts my sleep too.) My body hurts. Everyday. I feel like I’ve been hit by a Mack truck. It gets worse when it rains, when it gets cold out, when I’m stressed more than usual, and random days that don’t seem to have anything to do with anything else. If I do too much one day, the next day literally feels like I’m running through knee deep wet sand. Every step is a struggle. The same thing happens when I don’t get enough sleep, but tends to also be accompanied by “sleep attacks” – or feeling too tired to function and my body basically forcing me to take a nap. No negotiations, no coffee revivals, no “pushing through it.” It is not the same as his being “tired.” I understand that being tired and having backaches from working sucks. I’m not discounting that. I’m just stating that it is not the same as what I’m going through.

It was hard to watch him express sympathy for a stranger on the internet over her finals a few weeks ago (when she obviously left a lot of things to last minute), but brush me off with statements like, “I can’t remember when the last time you weren’t in pain was.” or “Yeah, I’m tired and my back hurts too.” There’s never an, “I’m sorry you’re having a rough day. How about ordering takeout for dinner tonight?” or “Oh, you’re really hurting today because of the cold? Why don’t you stay curled up under the covers with the heating pad and I’ll go down to the cold basement and get the laundry!” Etc.. Sometimes he will ask if I need him to do anything, but that seems like the rare exception to the rule of, “Oh, well! Sucks to be you! I need to go to work now and then I’m going to come home, shower (without a baby opening the door every 5 seconds), and dick off on the computer for several hours before finally dragging to bed between 2 and 3 in the morning!”

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We ended up having a serious conversation last night because I hit a breaking point between the video games and his favoritism of the aforementioned chick online [that waited until the last possible second to write papers and work on her finals]. At one point he literally said, “Well, I didn’t get mad at you when you went to bed so early the other night!” What? You mean after I drove us home the 5+ hours from Pennsylvania and was fighting to stay awake that last hour? When any other night, if I had been awake, you would have just been playing on the computer while I scrolled through my phone endlessly, hoping for a scrap of his attention? But this one night that I couldn’t hold my eyes open any longer…that is when you claim to suddenly want to spend time with me?? As bad as I feel for saying it…it feels like a lie. I don’t know. I don’t know what the point of even bringing it up was…? To make a sick, pregnant woman feel bad for needing sleep? Yes, someone get you a cookie, dude!

There are several other things that go into the mix as well, but they’re a bit more personal.

The end result being that I don’t know if this relationship is worth the battle anymore. Almost 5 years and two kids and I am seriously questioning it… I’ve written off a lot over the years. I try to take everything into account when it comes to his poor behavior, but at some point…he is an adult. He can make better choices if he cares to. If he doesn’t…then why am I sticking around? I’m beyond tired or exhausted. I am burnt out. I am unhappy. I need someone to care about me. I need for him to impress me and maintain it. There are reasons for it, but I’m hanging out through May. He has until the end of May to figure out his shit and be the kind of man he would want his daughter to marry or I’m just…done. I don’t want to keep doing the same crap over and over again and always being treated like I don’t matter. Always feeling like I don’t matter.

Aaaaalllllll of that said, I’m going to do my best not to dwell on it for the next 5 months. I don’t want to be continuously complaining about my husband. Or stressing about the all of the uncertainty that would come with leaving. Or being sad thinking about my life without him in it. (I almost cried walking across a parking lot today, several steps behind him, because…one day…he could be just another stranger in a parking lot to me.) I really just want to work towards my goals and try to just let it all be what it will be.

Happy 2017, ya’ll! Heh… I’ll be back tomorrow with some goal updates and organizational stuff!

 

Flashback Friday: One Year Ago.

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Little Girl Sage Rage fell asleep on my arm.

She’s never been a great sleeper. There’s something in her nature that’s fearful. She never ‘just wakes up,’ but wakes up upset and crying if she wakes up alone. It’s only been very, very recently that she’s fallen asleep a few times without being thisclose to one of us. Bath times still don’t really happen and they never happen with her in the bath by herself.

At this point last year, she had only really begun her teething journey in earnest and she got the short end of the stick with me; my only real experience being with oldest daughter and she didn’t care about teething. Sure, she could be irritable at times, but nothing like my baby girl! We did not have evenings filled with hours of screaming and trying to put everything in the world in her tiny maw with my oldest. So, I feel like I’m at a disadvantage and that none of the “tried and true” teething advice we’ve received has helped this particular tiny little human.

This year isn’t much different. Her incisors are coming in and, true to form with the rest of her teeth, they’re all coming at the same time. It’s making for one very unhappy little babe once more this December.

Transparency Tuesday: Scared.

I went to my rheumatology appointment yesterday. She didn’t just poo-poo my concerns as depression or aging. She did, however, start throwing out scary words like Lupus and Rheumatoid Arthritis, though. Lupus can attack your organs; lungs, heart, etc.. RA raises your risk by double of heart disease because of the proteins it produces and the medications that are used to manage it. Lymes still seems the most likely and the best fit for my symptoms, to me at least, but the fact that it’s gone on so long without being caught by anyone else scares me too; at some point, some of the effects can become permanent.

I should have test results back the first week of January. However, that’s scary too. What if they don’t find anything? What if it’s not showing up on blood tests? Do we just start throwing antibiotics and steroids at my body in May, when I’m no longer harboring a tiny human? Do they just give up?

I know it’s all a waste to worry before I have results back. I know it’s silly to be like, “Nope! I don’t want to know! Changed my mind!” I just…didn’t realize how unprepared I was for this next step.

 

Bullet Journaling in 2017

bulletjournalSomewhere along the line, I was introduced to bullet journal’ing. My brain feels slightly less functional than mashed potatoes, so if you’d like a better overview of the concept (or someone so artistic you can hate them and not feel about it) then, here. Or there’s always the original creator’s page on it, here.

I’ve tried it before and fallen off the wagon. I’ve learned something about myself: I’m not a ‘day planner’ sort of person. I cannot remember to check to see what I’m “supposed to be doing,” regularly enough. For things like appointments, alarms in my phone work much better for me.

However, to quote the author of pageflutter, “The freedom to create collections is one of the advantages that attracts people to Bullet Journaling to begin with.” I end up with 100 lists on loose leaf notebook paper and then…I lose them. The desk looks like a hoarder lives here and I can never find them when I need them. I forget things…but not totally; like, I still remember that there was something that I wanted to remember for later but…what was…? Nope. GONE.

So, I’m taking another stab at it next year and I’m starting to organize it (and decorate it) with the last few days of this year. It’s probably as close to a ‘resolution’ as I’m going to come. Haha

Flashback Friday

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You hopped a partially downed barbed wire fence, cross a dirt utility trail, and climbed a small hill of displaced dirt and…bam. Quiet in the middle of Orlando, Florida. You could sit there as long as you wanted (or until you couldn’t stand the mosquitos anymore) and just forget everything.

I don’t know what that’s like anymore. There’s never any real ‘quiet’ anymore. It’s always the running to-do list in my head. And what’s the baby into? Did she just wake up? What did the dog chew up now? Was that a cat jumping up on the counter? What could they possibly be into this time? If I think I have a moment, Megan tends to pop up and what to ask about things that she (9 times out of 10) doesn’t have to ask about. (She’s not really concerned about X, Y, or Z; she’s just looking for the attention. Constantly. It’s always like that since The Big Ugly Thing happened.)

I want to find some quiet again. I’m not totally sure how… In Illinois, we were close to a really large park and there was an isolated corner where you could lay down under a tree in the grass and accomplish the same thing. But Virginia was too crowded. There was never a quiet corner. Here is more of the same…people on top of people…even lurking in the ‘isolated’ corners. *sigh* Who wants to come build me a tree house? With a heater in it? And a book nook??