Working on it Wednesday…

I’ve been spending some of my focus lately on self-care. I bought the Olay Pro-X brush and really like it so far. I’ve been using it at night, along with a new overnight moisturizer (that smells like wine…mmm…) before bed. I’ve been trying not to miss taking my vitamins or brushing my teeth before bed; one of the bad habits I’ve developed in the last year or two. I just get so tired at the end of the day that it’s too tempting to just crawl into bed and call it a night. But if I’m already at the sink to wash my face…I may as well brush my teeth while I’m there! And Baby Girl has taken an interest in brushing hers too!

I’ve been trying to take bubble baths and keep my nails painted and fall back into the routine of applying lotion too.

The hope has been that maybe it would help me to shake some of the “funk” that has been hanging around this past month or so. So far? It hasn’t. I’m going to stick with it and add to it slowly but surely. I think my next step is going to be to figure out how to reinstate some of my makeup routine. I miss it, but it’s too hard to do in the office, where I have my makeup stored and a vanity set up, because…toddler. She can be totally engrossed in playing with something else, but let me sit down and try to put on makeup and she’s climbing all. over. me. -_- I’m thinking about putting together the basics and putting them into a tray or something that I can take to the bathroom with me and stand at the counter while doing my makeup. Of course, that doesn’t help much if I’m feeling like death, but…maybe…at that point…I just call it a day and forego the makeup anyhow? We’ll see how it goes…but I am working on it! ūüėČ

Cluster F*** Friday!

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I’m not quite sure how else to sum up the last two weeks and a few days, so…there’s that.

I did finish one project: labeling the bins in Sage’s room with photos so that maaaaybe¬†she can start helping to pick up her things. I didn’t imagine that it would take so long, but taking photos, having them printed (I used WalMart so uploading them was another step), laminating them so that they wouldn’t be ripped off and thrown on the floor in 2 seconds flat, finding the hole punch, getting out the zip ties, breaking a pair of scissors…it was a process! (There’s a fourth bin off to the left too with misc. toys.)

Aside from that…the last few weeks have just been a bunch of pushing through. My body hurts and I feel drained of all energy. A YouTuber [link] that I follow recently shared her story of her struggle with EDS and the depression that came with it, along with a beautiful analogy¬†about “building a ladder.” It’s really good in a lot of respects and how I used to do a lot of things. But over the years it’s gotten harder and harder to get out and do the things I want to in the first place and then recovery takes two or three times as long as it used to. ¬†I’m hoping that a lot of this is just worse because of pregnancy and winter hitting me for a “double-whammy,” right now, but I won’t really know that until into the summer, which seems such a long, long time away right now. I’m trying not to get sucked down, but I feel the quicksand at my ankles.

Today has been a long day of running hubby to work and my oldest daughter to her doctor’s appointment for an overdramatized rash (it’s Eczema; run of the mill dry skin…and there’s¬†no way that her classmate “caught it from her” as she claimed. *eye roll*), subsequent tantrum in the drug store, and just feeling extra icky all after with a toddler that’s trying to cut in her last four teeth/incisors. ūüė¶ And now it’s time to make dinner… Frozen pizzas? Yes, please.

Working on it Wednesday: Basement.

basementbeforeToday just started out as one of those days that I knew wasn’t going to be a great one. I couldn’t sleep last night. My back has been killing me. I felt so out of sorts when I did wake up today that I just wanted to go right back to bed.

Instead, I opted to get myself together relatively quickly and make a fast trip to the Dollar Tree for some inexpensive bins and try to sort out the basement. I took a load of laundry down with me and spent almost three hours sorting out all of the tools, cleaning supplies, holiday decor, and miscellaneous things that ended up dumped down there when nowhere else seemed appropriate.

basementafterI took a massive box of trash out to the curb for garbage day tomorrow and the pictures don’t convey how much roomier the space feels now without things stacked in front of the shelves, but…it is a lot better. It is now one less thing on the never ending to-do list! I have a couple of small tweaks that I want to make yet, but…overall…I’m thrilled to have the bulk of it done.

Traditions.

straberries Today was a long day. I woke up too early, stayed up to drive to Troy with Hubby; he’s had training there all week and wanted to show me a couple of things out there and eat lunch out there, wandered through a Meijer for almost three hours, and ended up feeling…just…off. The best way that I can put it is that my body seems really unhappy about the lack of structure this week has provided.

Anyway, putting all other things aside for the moment, a big focus of my bullet journal this year has been charting and adding to our holiday traditions. Last year, Megan wanted to get chocolate covered strawberries. (I have a hunch that they’d made an appearance on one of her TV shows.) It isn’t really a request that I wanted to deny and it lined up pretty close to Valentines Day so…this happened.

Buying them online probably isn’t cost effective. (Definitely isn’t, actually.) I could probably make them for 1/8th of the cost at home. But…they’re HUGE berries. They’re better looking than anything that I could make. And there’s just something fancy about getting food in the mail! So, once again this year, I went online and placed my order tonight to be delivered the Friday before Valentines (the closest I could get without going over or paying more for special day shipping/delivery…when shipping is already $10 for a regular day!).

This year, I’m also planning on decorating the dining room a bit. I read ‘Happier at Home‘ a while ago and that’s one of the things that stuck; celebrating even the smaller holidays. Going for the whole house being decorated would be a bit much, but the dining room is manageable, a common area, and one that most of us gather in daily. (Though Hubby’s schedule presently has his away for dinner most nights.) While there is comfort and safety in traditions, I feel like this might also help to break up the boring aspects of everyday life too.

Working on it Wednesday; Three Wednesdays Late.

I feel like each new year is the same; everyone thinks that the new year and new start will be a shoo-in. I get pulled into this way of thinking along with my friends and family and then, more often than not, it’s a bit disappointing.

After two weeks of stalking my rheumatologist’s office, I finally heard back that there were no answers in my blood tests. It’s hard to keep going like this, with no end in sight. It has felt, for some time now, that I spend my entire life just waiting for the next thing – a move, a baby, a diagnosis. Something. Always something. I’ve heard great things about mindfulness and read a bit about it, but…I’m not sure that I want to be ‘in the moment’ when the moment is painful and one big suck sammich. At least “looking forward” to something feels like a form of hope, but right now I don’t even have that. *sigh* So…in the moment and keeping busy it is!

So this is what I’ve been up to the last month or so…

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My individual, mostly ColourPop, eye shadows have homes! …except for that one off to the side…don’t mind him… *whislting* Momma might have gone a little ham on their sales before Christmas… I ended up with an odd container (far right) without realizing it. (Behold! The joys of shopping with a toddler, right?) It holds more without the additional dividers in it, but they also move around more…hmm. At least they’re not flying around the drawer every time I open it!

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The pot & pan cabinet has been organized! I’d had the white wire rack for a while, but ordered the black one and another set off of Amazon a few weeks ago. We’ve been using it for a few weeks now and, overall, it functions well for us.

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The other baking pan cabinet has also been reordered and a new holder added to the collection. I think I’m going to get rid of one of the four cookie sheets as part of my 21 item purge goal… I have four and one is a different shape than the others and makes life difficult. Otherwise…this also has been functioning well for us!

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And then I picked up a tea container too. I had a ton of teas and the boxes were in various stages of use and Sage had been pulling them out of the drawer that they were in previously and gnawing on the boxes or pulling the tea bags apart. It was easier for me to condense them down and move them out of reach than to keep doing battle with her on the matter.

Underneath it is the new recipe binder I’ve been using for dinners. I just filled a 1″ binder with sheet protectors and have been adding the recipes that we try each week to it. So far, I don’t feel like we’ve had any real fails or home-run hits. I’m hoping that we find some that we¬†want to return to again and again as time progresses. I’ll also be forced to cull the herd every now and again due to limited space in it.

I still have a ton of stuff that I’m working on, including purging things that we don’t use or need and getting on a better cleaning schedule. Staying as busy as possible has kinda helped too. Yay!

Transparency Tuesday: The Camel’s Broken Back

Yup, “tomorrow” apparently means “next week” in my world, but the¬†weather has changed and my joints and body, in general, do not approve. All progress has been slow, but I do hope to have a post for tomorrow… For today though, onward with Transparency Tuesday!

15942473_1823202294587629_1223588917_n At this point, my oldest is 8 years old. She is an endless attention seeker, but she is competent in the usual ways. The problem becomes that she’ll seek attention any way that she can get it. I was recently reading an article about kids who do this and the article gave to different examples: a child that sought negative attention and a child that sought attention via acting “helpless.” Both of these examples had their example parents stressed and at the end of their ropes. The article did not address what to do if your child does¬†both of these…and then some.

Helpless: “Can eat this?”
“Yes.”
10 seconds later: “Can I eat this?”
“OMG! Is it food? Is it in our house? Then yes! Eat it! That’s what it’s there for!!”

Negative attention seeking: See photo on right. After it’s been made well known that both she needs to clean up after herself¬†and that the common areas are¬†not her dumping grounds. To the point where I no longer warn her; when she leaves stuff laying around and I go through and clean? It goes in the trash. I’m too tired, life is too short, and she has too much stuff anyway! This picture was taken about 30 minutes after I cleaned the table (and threw things away) though, which adds a new level of annoyance to it.

I left it sit for hours because…what do you do? Pull her out of her room and make her clean it up, giving her that negative attention? Or clean it up myself and let her dodge the responsibility…again? Wait for her to decide to clean it up? It could be¬†days. She isn’t bothered by messes in the least. It¬†makes me rashy and I don’t understand it. Her dad called and told her she needed to clean it up or there would be consequences from him tomorrow. She cleaned it up and apologized then. Hopefully, it means something if the negative attention¬†isn’t coming from me…?

It has reached the point in the last year or so that we’ve all started to wonder if maybe something wouldn’t fit better if she were living with her dad. It…comes with its own set of challenges and I guess nothing is ever written in stone, but it’s on the table right now. I’m just…at a point where it feels like there’s no “winning” and no “right” answer. Just different versions of losing and different “punishments” for each choice made along the way. Straw by straw, it beats you down after a while.

Transparency Tuesday: Done?

I was forced into a break by The Migraine that Wouldn’t End and then we were on a small vacation/family trip to see my husband’s family over new year’s. Overall, we had a nice holiday break. The girls got everything they could have dreamed of and we, the adults, were spoiled as well. There was tons of good food and lots of laughter. There’s one cousin that I’m not overly fond of and another cousin’s wife that makes me wonder why they’re together because she always seems so unhappy with him ( in fairness, I have seen them¬†one¬†day a year and only these last two years), but even they are civil, which would be unheard of in my bio family. I look up to hubby’s grandma and how well she raised her children. Hubby’s mom refrained from murdering him even though she really wanted to spend more time with our youngest, who chose to be shy the first two of the three days that we were there. All in all, it was good. Even coming back was, initially, nice. We missed our bed. Hubby missed his felines. I was excited just to be able to unpack and begin putting things away.

Monday afternoon we had our 20-week ultrasound and Baby Boy is doing well. The tech explained more than either of us had ever had explained to us before and printed off a ton of photos. ‚̧ We came home and hubby did some things that I had had on a “honey do” list for almost two months. Life was good…

And then the video games started up again and in full force. It has¬†become a problem. Almost an addiction…perhaps actually one, in some situations. Last night I pointed out that, over the years, he has played many video games and do any of those past games matter in the least now? No. Not at all. So…why is this current game worth almost a month total of his life? (He has played just this one game more than 500 hours; Steam is kind enough to log it for him.) And, seemingly at least, more important than his daughter and myself…and sooner than later, his son, too? He gets rude and ugly with us when he’s playing – especially if things aren’t going as he’d like or one of us needs something from him while he’s playing. To the point where he was getting so upset about the game yesterday and I did something I rarely do – I said something to him about it. (And it wasn’t even the snarky, “You’re a 31-year-old throwing a tantrum…please stahp!” that I was thinking.) “You know you can leave the room, right?” Nevermind that the office in which he plays also houses a great deal of my things as well as his… “I’d have to leave the entire¬†house to not be able to hear you…” “That’s fine.”¬†Really?? At another point,¬†hours later, our 16-month-old went over to him for something. “For fuck’s sake, Sage…”

He likes to point out that I’m not always a peach to be around either. Okay, fair enough. But I’ve been working 12-18 hour “shifts” for the last 2.5 years running. It’s really, really rare that I get a break from the house and kids. …and when I do, it’s often to run errands so…honestly? That’s not much of a “break.” I did a cookie baking party at a friend’s almost a month ago and felt guilty about it because Sean was at home sick with the kids. I went and had my hair done professionally on Christmas Eve day, but was struggling through my migraine the whole time. Before those two things? I don’t even know. I don’t get to go do anything for myself on a regular basis. Worse yet, I usually don’t want to – I have things here at home that I want to get done and would usually rather be doing than going anywhere, but can’t because I always have our 16-month-old using me as a jungle gym or the 8-year-old asking me nonsense questions literally¬†just for the attention. I can’t sew, crochet, or anything like that while Sage is up because she’s constantly. on. me. By the time she’s in bed, I’m too tired to do anything really “productive.” Thus my projects pile up and up and up… But my husband seems to feel that I shouldn’t be frustrated by that…? And when I am, I’m, apparently, a bad person. I don’t know what to do with that. How does one cease being human?? I feel like the key difference is that he gets to leave the house. He is not dealing with both kids all day, every day and yet…he still can’t deal for a few hours. Also? His games do not yield anything fruitful. They’re just games and he’ll, eventually, move on yo a new one and this one will cease to matter, just like the 43,182 before it.

I’m also frustrated that he doesn’t seem to understand that there is a difference between having a backache from work versus whatever has been going on with my muscles and joints these last several years. (We won’t even go into being tired from pregnancy and not being able to sleep through the night related to hormones and sciatica pain. Or that my sleep cycle is seriously messed up and I don’t know how to fix it – most times when I fall asleep, I go directly into dreaming and that isn’t “normal” and disrupts my sleep too.) My body hurts. Everyday. I feel like I’ve been hit by a Mack truck. It gets worse when it rains, when it gets cold out, when I’m stressed more than usual, and random days that don’t seem to have anything to do with anything else. If I do too much one day, the next day literally feels like I’m running through knee deep wet sand. Every step is a struggle. The same thing happens when I don’t get enough sleep, but tends to also be accompanied by “sleep attacks” – or feeling too tired to function and my body basically forcing me to take a nap. No negotiations, no coffee revivals, no “pushing through it.” It is¬†not the same as his being “tired.” I understand that being tired and having backaches from working sucks. I’m not discounting that. I’m just stating that it is not the same as what I’m going through.

It was hard to watch him express sympathy for a stranger on the internet over her finals a few weeks ago (when she¬†obviously left a lot of things to last minute), but brush me off with statements like, “I can’t remember when the last time you¬†weren’t in pain was.” or “Yeah, I’m tired and my back hurts too.” There’s never an, “I’m sorry you’re having a rough day. How about ordering takeout for dinner tonight?” or “Oh, you’re really hurting today because of the cold? Why don’t you stay curled up under the covers with the heating pad and I’ll go down to the cold basement and get the laundry!” Etc..¬†Sometimes he will ask if I need him to do anything, but that seems like the rare exception to the rule of, “Oh, well! Sucks to be you! I need to go to work now and¬†then I’m going to come home, shower (without a baby opening the door every 5 seconds), and dick off on the computer for several hours before finally dragging to bed between 2 and 3 in the morning!”

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We ended up having a serious conversation last night because I hit a breaking point between the video games and his favoritism of the aforementioned chick online [that waited until the last possible second to write papers and work on her finals]. At one point he literally said, “Well,¬†I didn’t get mad at you when you went to bed so early the other night!”¬†What? You mean after I drove us home the 5+ hours from Pennsylvania and was fighting to stay awake that last hour? When¬†any other night, if I had been awake, you would have just been playing on the computer while I scrolled through my phone endlessly, hoping for a scrap of his attention? But this one night that I couldn’t hold my eyes open any longer…that is when you claim to suddenly want to spend time with me?? As bad as I feel for saying it…it feels like a lie. I don’t know. I don’t know what the point of even bringing it up was…? To make a sick, pregnant woman feel bad for¬†needing sleep? Yes, someone get you a cookie, dude!

There are several other things that go into the mix as well, but they’re a bit more personal.

The end result being that I don’t know if this relationship is worth the battle anymore. Almost 5 years and two kids and I am seriously questioning it… I’ve written off a lot over the years. I try to take¬†everything into account when it comes to his poor behavior, but at some point…he is an adult. He can make better choices if he cares to. If he doesn’t…then why am I sticking around? I’m beyond tired or exhausted. I am burnt out. I am unhappy. I¬†need someone to care about me. I¬†need¬†for him to impress me and maintain it. There are reasons for it, but I’m hanging out through May. He has until the end of May to figure out his shit and be the kind of man he would want his daughter to marry or I’m just…done. I don’t want to keep doing the same crap over and over again and always being treated like I don’t matter. Always¬†feeling like I don’t matter.

Aaaaalllllll¬†of that said, I’m going to do my best not to dwell on it for the next 5 months. I don’t want to be continuously complaining about my husband. Or stressing about the all of the uncertainty that would come with leaving. Or being sad thinking about my life without him in it. (I almost cried walking across a parking lot today, several steps behind him, because…one day…he could be just another stranger in a parking lot to me.) I really just want to work towards my goals and try to just let it all be what it will be.

Happy 2017, ya’ll! Heh… I’ll be back tomorrow with some goal updates and organizational stuff!