I decided to share this here because, well, I do consider having a home & family to be one of the “prettier” things in life. I also feel that it needs to be put together in one place so that I don’t even up answering the same 20 questions again and again in the TTC group that I joined this week.
I have a beautiful and charismatic 5 year old daughter from my previous marriage. We weren’t trying for her; I was on the pill, as a matter of fact, but the best laid plans…
In April of 2012, I met Hubby. It’s something that I don’t feel like I can articulate unless the person whom I’m speaking to as traveled a similar road, but I’ll try: We each took our own novice-bike-rider-on-the-expert-mountain-biking-trail-style wild ride to the other. After a few too many times of eating $%^& in the past, we were both unsure of how to do that whole happily-ever-after thing. It took us 6 months to a year of stumbling through it all to figure it out, but I’m glad that we did and I firmly believe that we were meant to be together.
December 2013 started our lives on a new path. It was one of those “blessing in disguise” things; I’ll skip the details, but I will say that this made me both want to laugh and cry at the memory of that time period when I saw it the other day…
In January, I cycled off of my birth control pills for a week of “fun” and that was followed up with a week of antibiotics for Strep throat. (I know; ya’ll are jelly… I got TWO weeks of fun!) We weren’t careful and decided to make the end of that second week a little too fun…
In February, I felt ‘off’ and cycled back off the pill after three weeks instead of the previous three-month interval. No Aunt Flo… I took a pregnancy test, just to make sure while feeling certain that it would be negative… It wasn’t. I took another in the morning. Another positive.
We were both excited. Life was still throwing us curve balls at that point, but it felt like something good coming in the midst of all the crap life had thrown us.
In early April, I miscarried. The following two months were a struggle, to say the least, on so many levels. Everything seemed to going wrong. I don’t have words (a rarity for me), so I’ll just leave that alone…
In June, we received our first good news in what felt like forever at that point; Hubby received a long-awaited job offer and we were going to be able to move!! (We’re both Florida natives that don’t dig the heat.) Mid-June, we moved to our new home in central Illinois, where we’ve been happily making our “nest” ever since.
On July 4th, we got married! It felt right. I was secretly worried about the timing. In the end though…it felt right. Perfect, even. It’s a silly, sappy song, but, ‘I got all I’ve waited for & I could not ask for more.’ when it comes to Hubby and being married to him.
We had been planning to try to conceive again, but my body really just wasn’t having it before this month. Of course, in the long run, I’m glad that my body took its time and did what it needed to. However…patience…it’s a virtue…sometimes I have it and sometimes it eludes me… (I think it checks out on most of us when it comes to trying for babies though…no? Is it just me?) So this week (7/20-7/25) has been our first real attempt since.
I’m…apprehensive. I doubt our first try does it. Though I hope. I hope! And…I’m terrified. Of not being able to get pregnant again. Of going through another miscarriage. Of even telling Hubby’s family or my friends again when (-not “if”! *shiny, happy, forced positive smiley face*) we do conceive…like it’s going to jinx something and cause us to miscarry. (And then I feel insane for feeling that way. …and giggle at the mental image of DH calling his mom to tell her, “We had a baby! What…? No…we knew…she just wouldn’t let me tell anyone so that it wouldn’t jinx it! Baby’s 24 hours old now, so she says I can scream it from the roof tops!”)
That’s us. And now I’m going back to bed* to cuddle my stomach up against him like that’s some how going to help our odds… 🙂
*I’ve noticed a trend lately: I feel stressed about one thing or another and then I feel stressed about being stressed. (Stress isn’t conducive to babies, dang it!) And then I can’t sleep. And then I’m even more stressed because, well, you need sleep to make babies too, right? *sigh*