When we found out that we were pregnant, I ordered some maternity clothes from on an online second-hand store with a killer promo code. Before that…I think I picked up some $5 t-shirts last year out of necessity. Black yoga pants on sale the year before that. (One of which just started coming apart at the seams the other week. Several more of which the dog ate; he had a fetish for them while I am pregnant – he would literally pull them out through the sides of the hamper to shred them!! O.o) If we’re being honest, I haven’t really bought clothes out of anything more than a necessity in at least 4 years.
Not that I was ever “high fashion,” but I used to at least put some effort into how I looked and presented myself. Not too long after I started feeling like my energy was dwindling and the pounds were piling on, I had a class assignment due and I had to ask my friends about aspects of myself that maybe I wasn’t aware of. A “friend” commented that I didn’t have “as much” interest in fashion as other women my age. It was an unexpected sting. It felt like what she was really saying was that I didn’t care about my appearance. Maybe it was an overly sensitive moment on my part, but this same “friend” had, at that time, begun to take small, petty, swipes at me and my boyfriend (now husband), so maybe I was just on high-alert. *shrug* (My 2-cents of free advice that I will give my daughters: it’s okay to be wary of “blunt” people that claim to be your friend but can’t be bothered to spare your feelings – ever. You can move on and don’t have to be the outlet for their “bluntness.”)
From that point on, I became sicker. The pounds crept on. My clothes fit tighter. Nothing fit “right” when I could muster the energy to try things on in the store. Frankly, after being naturally thin for most of my life, I have NO idea how to dress a larger body. I’m still struggling with that and trying to figure out if it’s the clothing manufacturers only designing for one body type or if it’s literally my body that doesn’t fit into things. I cannot find a pair of shorts that don’t either ride up on me or fall off of my hips. Jeans do a lot of the same on me; I either end up with a muffin top or a plumber’s crack. And if I try to go with the smaller size and hope that they stretch out a little during the course of the day, they (a) never do and (b) leave me with the muffin top that all shirts seem to want to cling to. And there the “control” panels in some clothing…OMG…no. What could possibly make you feel worse than having a muffin top? Pouring yourself into those things and, usually, still having a muffin top. I’d rather have a bit of a belly than feel like I’ve been poured into a sausage casing, thanks.
But I’ve stumbled into a line of leggings and skirts that I really like – elastic waistbands! That don’t look like something gramma would wear! And I’m playing with different styles of tops…though not immediately because I’m still pregnant, but having the next two months to carefully pour over sales and Goodwill racks is a gift that I’m willing to accept…while still looking forward to a bit of a fresh start once The Belly has dissipated a bit. I’m combing through shoe sales to try to find things that will both work for my requirements (flats, comfy) and the clothes that I’ve found. It feels like slow, uphill, progress…but it feels better than where I’ve been for a bit now just the same.
The next step? Taking some time away from/limiting my social media usage and trying to see what I can get on track as far as my habits, my sleep schedule, and the house. It’s easy to get distracted and even more so when I feel so…out of it. Depressed. Whatever. The excuse for the longest time has been that it keeps me in touch with friends and family. Reality: I can post to Instagram, which will automatically post to FB and keep family in pictures of the kidlets. I can leave messenger signed in on my phone and still get direct messages from my sister, husband, and friends, when they have the time to chat, instead of spending so much time “glued” to the computer or my phone.
So, that’s what I’ve been working on and what I will be working on for the next few weeks, just in case that last mission takes me so far removed from everything that I forget to check in next week!