In December 2013, just a week and a half before Christmas, my whole world changed. I won’t get into the hows or whys (I have to have something to talk about at TedTalks, right?), but it did. One big, bad ugly thing changed virtually everything. And that big, bad ugly thing led into the discovery of another big, bad ugly thing and another…and another. Then, of course, life doesn’t stop it’s dizzy waltz just because you’re dealing with big, bad ugly things, so other things continued to happen…both good and not so good. The room spun and the band played on and…I wanted to curl up in bed and never move again.
By the end of January 2014, I was in full-on depression. The only thing that I can liken it to is the part in, ‘The Wind Up Bird Chronicles” where a warrior is dumped in a deep well and left for dead; he’s plunged into utter darkness for all but 8 minutes or so a day when the sun passes over just so. It’s so dark that he can’t even see to attempt to climb his way out. I would have moments of laughter; with my fiance` or my sister almost every day, but they were fleeting and didn’t seem to “stick.” The rest of the time, I felt like I was in a well so deep and dark that I couldn’t see even to try to climb out.
Subsequently, in January, I started seeing a therapist in an attempt to better deal with the darkness, but it’s hit or miss and I will soon be moving away from her and I’m unsure about future therapy. Even as good as she is, I guess I also feel like she’s trying to stop a landslide with her hands when I only see her an hour once a week. I need something more. I need something better than random, willy-nilly stabs at climbing out of the well. Or at least a way to keep track of those stabs in the dark and remember what has worked and what hasn’t. I also want to find my back to the things that make me happy and make me…well, me. This my journey.