Transparency Tuesday: Done?

I was forced into a break by The Migraine that Wouldn’t End and then we were on a small vacation/family trip to see my husband’s family over new year’s. Overall, we had a nice holiday break. The girls got everything they could have dreamed of and we, the adults, were spoiled as well. There was tons of good food and lots of laughter. There’s one cousin that I’m not overly fond of and another cousin’s wife that makes me wonder why they’re together because she always seems so unhappy with him ( in fairness, I have seen them one day a year and only these last two years), but even they are civil, which would be unheard of in my bio family. I look up to hubby’s grandma and how well she raised her children. Hubby’s mom refrained from murdering him even though she really wanted to spend more time with our youngest, who chose to be shy the first two of the three days that we were there. All in all, it was good. Even coming back was, initially, nice. We missed our bed. Hubby missed his felines. I was excited just to be able to unpack and begin putting things away.

Monday afternoon we had our 20-week ultrasound and Baby Boy is doing well. The tech explained more than either of us had ever had explained to us before and printed off a ton of photos. ❤ We came home and hubby did some things that I had had on a “honey do” list for almost two months. Life was good…

And then the video games started up again and in full force. It has become a problem. Almost an addiction…perhaps actually one, in some situations. Last night I pointed out that, over the years, he has played many video games and do any of those past games matter in the least now? No. Not at all. So…why is this current game worth almost a month total of his life? (He has played just this one game more than 500 hours; Steam is kind enough to log it for him.) And, seemingly at least, more important than his daughter and myself…and sooner than later, his son, too? He gets rude and ugly with us when he’s playing – especially if things aren’t going as he’d like or one of us needs something from him while he’s playing. To the point where he was getting so upset about the game yesterday and I did something I rarely do – I said something to him about it. (And it wasn’t even the snarky, “You’re a 31-year-old throwing a tantrum…please stahp!” that I was thinking.) “You know you can leave the room, right?” Nevermind that the office in which he plays also houses a great deal of my things as well as his… “I’d have to leave the entire house to not be able to hear you…” “That’s fine.” Really?? At another point, hours later, our 16-month-old went over to him for something. “For fuck’s sake, Sage…”

He likes to point out that I’m not always a peach to be around either. Okay, fair enough. But I’ve been working 12-18 hour “shifts” for the last 2.5 years running. It’s really, really rare that I get a break from the house and kids. …and when I do, it’s often to run errands so…honestly? That’s not much of a “break.” I did a cookie baking party at a friend’s almost a month ago and felt guilty about it because Sean was at home sick with the kids. I went and had my hair done professionally on Christmas Eve day, but was struggling through my migraine the whole time. Before those two things? I don’t even know. I don’t get to go do anything for myself on a regular basis. Worse yet, I usually don’t want to – I have things here at home that I want to get done and would usually rather be doing than going anywhere, but can’t because I always have our 16-month-old using me as a jungle gym or the 8-year-old asking me nonsense questions literally just for the attention. I can’t sew, crochet, or anything like that while Sage is up because she’s constantly. on. me. By the time she’s in bed, I’m too tired to do anything really “productive.” Thus my projects pile up and up and up… But my husband seems to feel that I shouldn’t be frustrated by that…? And when I am, I’m, apparently, a bad person. I don’t know what to do with that. How does one cease being human?? I feel like the key difference is that he gets to leave the house. He is not dealing with both kids all day, every day and yet…he still can’t deal for a few hours. Also? His games do not yield anything fruitful. They’re just games and he’ll, eventually, move on yo a new one and this one will cease to matter, just like the 43,182 before it.

I’m also frustrated that he doesn’t seem to understand that there is a difference between having a backache from work versus whatever has been going on with my muscles and joints these last several years. (We won’t even go into being tired from pregnancy and not being able to sleep through the night related to hormones and sciatica pain. Or that my sleep cycle is seriously messed up and I don’t know how to fix it – most times when I fall asleep, I go directly into dreaming and that isn’t “normal” and disrupts my sleep too.) My body hurts. Everyday. I feel like I’ve been hit by a Mack truck. It gets worse when it rains, when it gets cold out, when I’m stressed more than usual, and random days that don’t seem to have anything to do with anything else. If I do too much one day, the next day literally feels like I’m running through knee deep wet sand. Every step is a struggle. The same thing happens when I don’t get enough sleep, but tends to also be accompanied by “sleep attacks” – or feeling too tired to function and my body basically forcing me to take a nap. No negotiations, no coffee revivals, no “pushing through it.” It is not the same as his being “tired.” I understand that being tired and having backaches from working sucks. I’m not discounting that. I’m just stating that it is not the same as what I’m going through.

It was hard to watch him express sympathy for a stranger on the internet over her finals a few weeks ago (when she obviously left a lot of things to last minute), but brush me off with statements like, “I can’t remember when the last time you weren’t in pain was.” or “Yeah, I’m tired and my back hurts too.” There’s never an, “I’m sorry you’re having a rough day. How about ordering takeout for dinner tonight?” or “Oh, you’re really hurting today because of the cold? Why don’t you stay curled up under the covers with the heating pad and I’ll go down to the cold basement and get the laundry!” Etc.. Sometimes he will ask if I need him to do anything, but that seems like the rare exception to the rule of, “Oh, well! Sucks to be you! I need to go to work now and then I’m going to come home, shower (without a baby opening the door every 5 seconds), and dick off on the computer for several hours before finally dragging to bed between 2 and 3 in the morning!”

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We ended up having a serious conversation last night because I hit a breaking point between the video games and his favoritism of the aforementioned chick online [that waited until the last possible second to write papers and work on her finals]. At one point he literally said, “Well, I didn’t get mad at you when you went to bed so early the other night!” What? You mean after I drove us home the 5+ hours from Pennsylvania and was fighting to stay awake that last hour? When any other night, if I had been awake, you would have just been playing on the computer while I scrolled through my phone endlessly, hoping for a scrap of his attention? But this one night that I couldn’t hold my eyes open any longer…that is when you claim to suddenly want to spend time with me?? As bad as I feel for saying it…it feels like a lie. I don’t know. I don’t know what the point of even bringing it up was…? To make a sick, pregnant woman feel bad for needing sleep? Yes, someone get you a cookie, dude!

There are several other things that go into the mix as well, but they’re a bit more personal.

The end result being that I don’t know if this relationship is worth the battle anymore. Almost 5 years and two kids and I am seriously questioning it… I’ve written off a lot over the years. I try to take everything into account when it comes to his poor behavior, but at some point…he is an adult. He can make better choices if he cares to. If he doesn’t…then why am I sticking around? I’m beyond tired or exhausted. I am burnt out. I am unhappy. I need someone to care about me. I need for him to impress me and maintain it. There are reasons for it, but I’m hanging out through May. He has until the end of May to figure out his shit and be the kind of man he would want his daughter to marry or I’m just…done. I don’t want to keep doing the same crap over and over again and always being treated like I don’t matter. Always feeling like I don’t matter.

Aaaaalllllll of that said, I’m going to do my best not to dwell on it for the next 5 months. I don’t want to be continuously complaining about my husband. Or stressing about the all of the uncertainty that would come with leaving. Or being sad thinking about my life without him in it. (I almost cried walking across a parking lot today, several steps behind him, because…one day…he could be just another stranger in a parking lot to me.) I really just want to work towards my goals and try to just let it all be what it will be.

Happy 2017, ya’ll! Heh… I’ll be back tomorrow with some goal updates and organizational stuff!

 

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Flashback Friday: One Year Ago.

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Little Girl Sage Rage fell asleep on my arm.

She’s never been a great sleeper. There’s something in her nature that’s fearful. She never ‘just wakes up,’ but wakes up upset and crying if she wakes up alone. It’s only been very, very recently that she’s fallen asleep a few times without being thisclose to one of us. Bath times still don’t really happen and they never happen with her in the bath by herself.

At this point last year, she had only really begun her teething journey in earnest and she got the short end of the stick with me; my only real experience being with oldest daughter and she didn’t care about teething. Sure, she could be irritable at times, but nothing like my baby girl! We did not have evenings filled with hours of screaming and trying to put everything in the world in her tiny maw with my oldest. So, I feel like I’m at a disadvantage and that none of the “tried and true” teething advice we’ve received has helped this particular tiny little human.

This year isn’t much different. Her incisors are coming in and, true to form with the rest of her teeth, they’re all coming at the same time. It’s making for one very unhappy little babe once more this December.

Transparency Tuesday: Scared.

I went to my rheumatology appointment yesterday. She didn’t just poo-poo my concerns as depression or aging. She did, however, start throwing out scary words like Lupus and Rheumatoid Arthritis, though. Lupus can attack your organs; lungs, heart, etc.. RA raises your risk by double of heart disease because of the proteins it produces and the medications that are used to manage it. Lymes still seems the most likely and the best fit for my symptoms, to me at least, but the fact that it’s gone on so long without being caught by anyone else scares me too; at some point, some of the effects can become permanent.

I should have test results back the first week of January. However, that’s scary too. What if they don’t find anything? What if it’s not showing up on blood tests? Do we just start throwing antibiotics and steroids at my body in May, when I’m no longer harboring a tiny human? Do they just give up?

I know it’s all a waste to worry before I have results back. I know it’s silly to be like, “Nope! I don’t want to know! Changed my mind!” I just…didn’t realize how unprepared I was for this next step.

 

Bullet Journaling in 2017

bulletjournalSomewhere along the line, I was introduced to bullet journal’ing. My brain feels slightly less functional than mashed potatoes, so if you’d like a better overview of the concept (or someone so artistic you can hate them and not feel about it) then, here. Or there’s always the original creator’s page on it, here.

I’ve tried it before and fallen off the wagon. I’ve learned something about myself: I’m not a ‘day planner’ sort of person. I cannot remember to check to see what I’m “supposed to be doing,” regularly enough. For things like appointments, alarms in my phone work much better for me.

However, to quote the author of pageflutter, “The freedom to create collections is one of the advantages that attracts people to Bullet Journaling to begin with.” I end up with 100 lists on loose leaf notebook paper and then…I lose them. The desk looks like a hoarder lives here and I can never find them when I need them. I forget things…but not totally; like, I still remember that there was something that I wanted to remember for later but…what was…? Nope. GONE.

So, I’m taking another stab at it next year and I’m starting to organize it (and decorate it) with the last few days of this year. It’s probably as close to a ‘resolution’ as I’m going to come. Haha

Flashback Friday

quiet

You hopped a partially downed barbed wire fence, cross a dirt utility trail, and climbed a small hill of displaced dirt and…bam. Quiet in the middle of Orlando, Florida. You could sit there as long as you wanted (or until you couldn’t stand the mosquitos anymore) and just forget everything.

I don’t know what that’s like anymore. There’s never any real ‘quiet’ anymore. It’s always the running to-do list in my head. And what’s the baby into? Did she just wake up? What did the dog chew up now? Was that a cat jumping up on the counter? What could they possibly be into this time? If I think I have a moment, Megan tends to pop up and what to ask about things that she (9 times out of 10) doesn’t have to ask about. (She’s not really concerned about X, Y, or Z; she’s just looking for the attention. Constantly. It’s always like that since The Big Ugly Thing happened.)

I want to find some quiet again. I’m not totally sure how… In Illinois, we were close to a really large park and there was an isolated corner where you could lay down under a tree in the grass and accomplish the same thing. But Virginia was too crowded. There was never a quiet corner. Here is more of the same…people on top of people…even lurking in the ‘isolated’ corners. *sigh* Who wants to come build me a tree house? With a heater in it? And a book nook??

A Slightly Belated Transparency Tuesday…

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Two screen shots from my conversation with my husband the other night. It sums up my never ending struggle with the housework. I cleaned both rounds up and it took less than 5 minutes total…but that’s not counting having to stop whatever I was trying to get done to do it and then try to find my way back on track. It’s exhausting.

Today I planned to spot clean a few spots with the carpet cleaner; the dog is a jerk. (Though, to be fair, if I were 20″ tall and had to go outside naked and barefoot in the snow…I’d probably refuse and opt to pee inside too.) Then Sage dumped her cup on the ottoman that I just cleaned yesterday while I was trying to figure out tires for the car. I get that cleaned up and hit the pee spots and…she’s stolen our toilet paper and shredded bits across the house. Now might be a good time to point out the obnoxious level of toys both of the girls have… Ugh.

My “Working on it Wednesday” is pretty lackluster so far… I’m still working on organizing and doing maintenance on things (I suppose today’s arrangement of a tire appointment counts…), but I’m at a bit of a stand still while I’m waiting for some things to arrive from Amazon and for Christmas to pass so that I can use my closet once more. I did get in some bins and labels the other day, but haven’t done a lot with them yet. Mostly, I’m just not quite sure where to put them at the moment. I have some things that still need to be sorted through and many, many projects that need to be worked on/finished. I think I’m going to start working on some of those projects at night, after Sage is in bed. Otherwise, it’s never going to get done. Oh, I did get little Sylis’ things sorted and put away in the closet the other night. He’s still something like -22 weeks, but he’s already amassing “stuff.” Haha

Well, I have a few plants to repot and then I’m going to see if I can find an extension cord; if I can, I’m putting up some outside lights on the porch. If not, then I’m calling it good for this year and moving on from Christmas decorating with only 11 days to go anyway…time to get on that!

Flashback Friday!

My husband was home yesterday. He went to the doctor’s office for a strained lower back. sagerbreadNothing too serious, just…a pain. Literally. I didn’t get much done, but I did make the gingerbread house kits that we had with the girls…

megabread The lesson learned was that next year, we buy the pre-built houses and just cut straight to the fun! I’m honestly surprised that they’re still standing ~18 hours later! Haha

Tonight I need to get pictures of the girls for our Christmas cards and my order from JoAnn of some more organizing things came in today, so I need to put all of that together!

But first…

 

 

mariothreeyearsago

My husband’s cat, Mario. (He had a mustache!) Circa Sept. 2013.

The funny thing about this photo for me is not how impossibly tiny Mario was, but that that photo of my dog as my background on my computer takes me back to that time period. That house. Living with Hubby before he was hubby.

I’m 110% sure that it’s just sugar-coated hindsight, but it seems like it was simpler time for us. We didn’t have babies together, besides the cats. We still had time to ourselves to go on ‘dates’. We didn’t have so much clutter. We were both in school, so our nights were ours to binge on Doctor Who episodes. It was also still fairly early on in my pain-and-weight-gain days, so I felt like there was some hope that I would just magically “get better” or that maybe it was all just depression and could be helped with a tablespoon of ‘get my sh*t together.’ *sigh* It was before our lives changed forever. Before we left Florida. Before the depression really, really set in and felt like it became a way of life.

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That all said… This is Mario from a few weeks ago. The look on his face sums up the sort of day it was well, hence why this picture was snapped. But given the hindsight…it feels extra appropriate.

Of course, now I’m left to wonder how accurate my feelings are or if it’s all just homesickness for another time rolling those memories in sugar. Does it matter if you can’t go back to it? Wouldn’t really want to anyway? (I’d miss the babies. And I do not miss Florida.)