Epic Fails & Roller Coaster Rides…

Shortly after my last check in, we had an ultrasound. The tech gave me a weird vibe, but didn’t say anything and we didn’t immediately get a call from the doctor, so we kinda just rolled with it. Three days later, they did call and informed me I was being sent back out to the specialist that we saw a few times last year. It would take two more days to find out why; Baby Sylis has an enlarged ventricle in his brain. It wasn’t massively so, but they wanted to be sure that it wasn’t a larger issue.

We endured more ultrasounds and awkward small talk with techs and met with the specialist. His answer was that he had no answers and what I’d already researched was true: it could end up being nothing or it could press into extreme brain damage. He was sending us an hour away to another hospital for a fetal MRI and more specialists and pulling blood work.

Last Monday we drove the hour each way to Ann Arbor to the other hospital, went through their ultrasounds, were basically given the same, “We don’t really know…it could be 50 different things and 50 different shades of serious or not…” answer, and then told that they’d failed to schedule the fetal MRI and we’d need to come back again next week for that. I’m trying not to be salty about it, but…I am a little. Our whole day revolved around that appointment and the woman that was in charge of making the appointments wasn’t the least bit sorry for the confusion.

The positive news was that they did not see any damage to his liver that would usually occur with the various infections that they would be concerned about (my blood test results still hadn’t come back yet at that point. I need to call the hospital here on Monday and try to find out about those.), nor did they see anything else wrong on ultrasound that would indicate anything else that they typically see in more serious cases. They want to continue to monitor it and we’ve opted to go back for the MRI, but so far…nothing throws flags for it being something big and ugly that will lead to brain damage.

I feel like I’ve said all of this 100 times, but it’s all been broken up into little bits and pieces here and there and I wanted to collect it all in one place for reference. And then there’s what I haven’t really covered elsewhere: I’ve felt like a damned wreck.

The whole pregnancy has been stressful. Everything from the MMR vaccine that I shouldn’t have had, to deal with my depression and anxiety, to wondering if we’re doing the right thing by even having another baby right now… On one hand, my body hates me and waiting to try when I’m older isn’t going to do us any favors. We also both very much wanted a little boy too. On the other hand, my PPD was just starting to get a little better and Baby Girl is a handful of a toddler if there ever was one…the idea of adding a totally healthy baby to the mix was a little daunting to start with. The idea of adding a special needs baby to the already demanding mix of things…broke me. Even with no solid reason to believe that there’s anything wrong at this point now…I still don’t feel like myself.

In short: not much in the way of progress has been made in my little corner of the world and I’m just barely holding it all together as much as I am. (Very little.) The house is a mess. Everything is behind. I spent more than I should have on clothes and shoes because it was just too easy to zone everything else out in favor of some online shopping. I haven’t put up any Easter decorations yet for the kids. This week was Big Girl’s spring break and we’ve done nothing (at least partly because, oh, yes, it decided to snow yesterday! Whoooo wants to go to the beach?!). My birthday is in a week and I know Hubby wants to do something for it and…aside from kinda having a craving for

My birthday is in a week and I know Hubby wants to do something for it and…aside from kinda having a craving for hibachi again…I don’t know what to tell him. I want steak and a nap. Maybe a massage. A few hours without a toddler climbing me like I’m one of those rock walls at the playground, complete with using my kidneys for foot holds. We’ve made zero plans for Easter. I have plastic eggs and I’ll get some candy or something for inside of them so that the kids can hunt them and there will be food…but…that’s kinda…it. I’m just trying to keep my head – or at least my nose…I can make do with just that…) above water until (1) Baby Boy is here and (2) things have settled into a routine after his arrival.

Transparency Tuesday: Scared.

I went to my rheumatology appointment yesterday. She didn’t just poo-poo my concerns as depression or aging. She did, however, start throwing out scary words like Lupus and Rheumatoid Arthritis, though. Lupus can attack your organs; lungs, heart, etc.. RA raises your risk by double of heart disease because of the proteins it produces and the medications that are used to manage it. Lymes still seems the most likely and the best fit for my symptoms, to me at least, but the fact that it’s gone on so long without being caught by anyone else scares me too; at some point, some of the effects can become permanent.

I should have test results back the first week of January. However, that’s scary too. What if they don’t find anything? What if it’s not showing up on blood tests? Do we just start throwing antibiotics and steroids at my body in May, when I’m no longer harboring a tiny human? Do they just give up?

I know it’s all a waste to worry before I have results back. I know it’s silly to be like, “Nope! I don’t want to know! Changed my mind!” I just…didn’t realize how unprepared I was for this next step.